Wednesday, December 21, 2005

in the meadow we can build a snowman...

Merryfucking Solstice, my lovelies!!! I have found a new holiday song to hate. Lucky you! And... get this... there are not one but TWO versions of this song. Both of which I hate. Because you know, I'm an equal opportunity hater.

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
and pretend that he is Parson Brown.

He'll say "are you married?" we'll say "no, man,

but you can do the job when you're in town!"

In case you didn't know, a parson is another word for an Anglican priest. So basically, the happy couple depicted in this song are going to build a snowman in the likeness of a member of the clergy. Crazy kids! Then, through the power of snowman magic or just plain LSD, the snowman will begin to speak.

I find it odd that the snowman parson would be so concerned about the happy couple's marital status. Concerned enough that it's the very first thing he asks. I mean, isn't it annoying as fuck when you're dating someone and people keep asking when you're getting married? I usually have answered such questions with responses like "Married? Oh hell no! Then I'd have to give up all the sleeping around!" or "Well I suppose we should get married. I did give him the herp!" (Please note that THIS IS A JOKE and I do not have the herp!!!)

Perhaps we are to believe that the snowman parson was concerned for their marital status for religious reasons. Which leads me to believe that perhaps they built a snowman parson just so that they could screw in the snowbank while he watched. Because they're, ya know, into that. Sick fucks.

Additionally, I would say their response of "you can do the job when you're in town" is lukewarm at best. If you're deciding whether or not to get married based on the availability of your LSD-induced snowman parson, then maybe you're not quite ready for marriage there, kids. I'm just saying.

Which brings us to the alternate version of this song:
In the meadow we can build a snowman,
and pretend that he's a circus clown.

We'll have lots of fun with Mr. Snowman,

until the other kiddies knock him down!

Okay, let me get this straight: you're going to build a snowman and pretend he's a circus clown? That's fucked up. That's like building a robot and pretending it's Dracula. If you build a snowman, you've built a goddamn snowman. Not a circus clown! And how would you go about pretending a snowman is a clown, anyway? Clown makeup? Circus music? More LSD? Please, holiday song writers of the world, lay off the LSD!!!

Look at this picture below -- Snowman! Clown! TWO DIFFERENT THINGS! Very very different!

At least this time they're not building the snowman because they want him to watch them screw. Or at least they don't mention it. Okay, ya know what? If there are really people out there who have a thing for having either snowman parsons or snowman clowns watch them having the sex, I really don't want to know about it. Because I will pass on that action, thank you very much.

As for the other kiddies knocking him down -- let me tell you that if someone had knocked down my snowman when I was a kid I would have made it my mission to make their life hell. Shit, I'm 33 and I would do the same now. So if you see me outside building a snowman, remember: HANDS OFF! Because I will find you. Oh yes, I will find you, and you will rue the day you knocked my snowman down! Rue it!!!

Rather than these two incarnations of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland", I much more prefer a song which uses the same music but very different lyrics:

Lacy things - the wife is missin',
Didn't ask - her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.

Yeah! Now this is what the holidays are all about!


Stewie said...

That's like building a robot and pretending it's Dracula.

Or dressing up in a costume and pretending you're a cartoon character.

It just doesn't make sense!


fnordboy said...

Stewie is a cock. LOL

Cosplay is a widely accepted art form. :(

You just don't get it.

Lesley said...

You know, I think the clown in the pic I posted may be one of your cosplay victims. Not sure though.

Why is it that people only use Japanimation for the cosplay? Why not Scooby Doo or Josie & the Pussycats?

Or would that be like people who leave comments on your blog that are completely unrelated to your blog topic? Hmmmm...

Love & snowman thoughts,