Wednesday, June 10, 2009

average everyday sane psycho... super goddess!

I am tired. I mean, did I tell you about the bronchitis? I have it, you know. All that coughing can really wear a girl out. Especially all the coughing at night, because it wakes me up and usually when I wake up I have an orange kitty right in my face as if she's saying "You ok, human? You has a fur ball?" But I am feeling less annoyed than I was last night (yay!) so I'm actually going to write something, but I'm writing it in advance and posting it later when I'm fast asleep. Hee hee!!!

So now, since I'm sure you're dying to know, here's a...

List of Things That Would Have Happened To You Today If You Were Me (Which You're Not) (But If You Were):

- I was accosted in the bathroom by a coworker who loves to accost me in the bathroom. Seriously, I think it's in her job description or something. And today, for added fun, she was brushing her teeth. She asks me a lot about my weight loss and compliments me on it, which I do appreciate, but since I'm pretty sure she's never had a fat day in her life, I'm only comfortable revealing so much about it. A few weeks ago she asked me if I'm "able to exercise." I just said yes, that I am working with a trainer, and left it at that. I was wondering though if she thinks that they lock the fatties out of the gym or something. Today she told me that she's going to bring me her old copies of In Style magazine so that I can get fashion ideas and presumably learn to dress myself. Umm... okay? I thought I was doing an okay job in that department, really. I was even wearing a totally cute outfit but then I was left feeling like a Glamour Fashion Don't the rest of the day.

- I was accused of a few things which are quite funny for me to think about now. Let's just say that the life that this person imagines I'm having is way more interesting than the life I actually have. I know, I know, you're thinking "that's not possible!" but in this case, it is. Yes, you see, I was accused of having a Secret Boyfriend, presumably in addition to the Secret Boyfriends I actually admit to having, like Neil Finn, Dexter, etc. Maybe this isn't all bad. Maybe the Secret Boyfriend is actually willing to do things like meet my family and friends, and be my date on national holidays. Stranger things have happened.

- I went to the local Vitamin Shoppe to get some protein bars. I need to find a new Vitamin Shoppe. I can never go into that one without something going all crazypants, and then a five minute trip to pick up some more Peanut Butter Supreme Protein bars turns into 20 minutes of standing in the front of the store while they try to figure out if they sell the totally obscure Acai supplement the crabbyass on line in front of me wants. What the hell is Acai, anyway? Does it actually do anything?

- I realized tonight that Clementine the wonder kitty has some sort of Pavlovian response when she hears me close the laptop -- she comes running and starts jumping around, all "Yay! Laser pointer time!!!" Seriously, no matter how quietly I close the laptop, she hears it and thinks it's now on. On like Donkey Kong, in fact.

- I have no idea why but I have a crazy case of Ketosis Mouth today. If you've ever low-carbed it, you know what I'm talking about. I'm actually happy about it. Usually when I get that it means that I'm about to drop a bunch of weight. So I'm just popping my sugar-free Tic Tacs and living with it.

- I cooked a fab dinner of pork loin with vinegar-based BBQ sauce. That's also known as North Carolina BBQ sauce, and I think this Yankee did a pretty good job with it. Lately I have been getting insane cravings for meat, and the more savory, the better. And ya know, I'm cool with that. I'd much rather crave meat (which I have to eat to get all my protein grams in) than sweets or other carbs. And you know those commercials with the people yelling "GO MEAT!"? I love those!

- In other food-related news, I thought I would treat myself to a small serving of pretzels at work today. Seven pretzel sticks. That was it. Except me being the genius that I am, I somehow managed to get them stuck in my pouch, which then led to a good half hour of misery. Yeah, I think I'll be staying away from the pretzels from now on. A lot of my comrades eat them, sure, but really I don't need them, and clearly, they do NOT agree with me.

Time for a shot of magic cough syrup and bed. Good night, my wee chickens.


Mr. J. said...

You forgot Sheldon. It was totally Sheldon right?

BTW, I think the crazy people love the Acai - ummmm, I think I might have used to once upon a time lived with someone who bought that stuff.

- my word very is Troing. Troing the sound a teenage male troll makes when seeing an attractive female troll.

Lesley said...

Oh yeah, I am all about the Sheldon!!! Rawr!

Interesting about the correlation between the crazy and the Acai. That sounds about right.

Hooli said...

Callie Bear and Betsy McBooger have a Pavlovian reaction when a laptop closes - they stop whatever they're doing and totally perk up. Pavlovian response #2 happens when the TV switches off - they start jumping and barking and getting real excited. Time for a ride, mommy and daddy!

Mr. J said...

Having read up on the completly unconfirmed pie and the sky claims that some supporters of this stuff claim, I am now more insulted than before.

Lesley said...

@Hooli - Yes, when I turn off the TV, she jumps up and makes a twirping noise at me, as if to say "Okay, human! Bedtime!" Weird.

@Mr. J - Uh oh, what do they claim it does? Do I even want to know?

Mr. J said...

Everything from more energy, younger skin and better sleep all the way to curing diabities and cancer.

Lesley said...

@Mr. J - Riiiiiiight. And it also makes one a better person and super duper wealthy like Oprah, right? I really don't get why someone would want to ingest a ground-up unknown plant. I bet in 5 years they'll be telling us it causes cancer.

Mr. J said...

Actually to prolong shelf life they put additives in many of the drinks that could possibly cause cancer. Also it taste terrible. You have to add a lot of sugar to make it eadible - thus potentially causes two of the conditions some claims it cures.

Stewie said...

You're coughing because your cat is totally sucking out your breath while you sleep.