Monday, June 08, 2009

do you have the time to listen to me whine...

Unlike Green Day, I have a legitimate complaint. Bronchitis? I has it. I have some strong antibiotics and magic cough syrup to help me go sleepy-bye so that helps things, but still. Fuckinghell. And it's too busy at work for me to stay home and rest right now. That's okay. I'll save those sick days for when I'm feeling good.

I'm feeling oddly annoyed today, and honestly, the bronchitis is providing a welcome distraction from the annoyance. It's difficult to be annoyed about anything other than the coughing, you see. Cough cough cough cough, all you do to me is cough cough. Oh and if you caught that reference, then I believe you are truly cooler than the other side of the pillow.

I watched "Nurse Jackie" tonight. I will keep watching, since I do like Edie Falco, but I'm not sure I get it yet. Is she just going to be a female Dr. House, what with the super-intuitive diagnosing and the pain med addiction? Or is there more to the story? I hope there is, because the whole hardass-with-a-heart-of-gold thing has been Done To Death. If this show had been on about nine years ago, I would tell you that I would hope that they'd show a chaplain and show them in a positive light, but I'm beyond caring about such things now. No, not bitter. I just don't care.

I'm feeling some sort of odd grief lately, and I don't know what exactly it is. It's a combination of things, but I can't point to just one thing to attribute it to. Part of it, however, is this: you see, before my surgery, I knew, rationally speaking, that the surgery and the resulting weight loss would not make everything in my life all peachy. I knew enough to tell that to the psychologist who evaluated me. And I would have told it to any of you. However, on a deeper level, I think I had hoped that I would be the exception to the rule: the one person for whom the weight loss solved every other problem in their life. And now, after nine months, I am finally conceding. I know I am not the exception to the rule. And to be perfectly honest, I'm a little sad that I'm not. Because wouldn't that have been the bestest? Wouldn't it have been nice to have all of my issues surgically removed? Did I forget to ask for that when I was signing the consent forms, right before they put me under?

Mind you, I am not complaining. My life has improved exponentially since then. My health is better in ways I can't even enumerate and my self-confidence is through the roof. Yes, I am aware that I'm still fat, but I feel like I'm just normal fat, the kind that no one is going to stare at me for, unlike being Circus Fat like I was before. I am thankful for these things and for so much more. I just have a snarky little Inner Brat who's stomping her foot and wondering why I didn't get all this and more. Why I didn't just reach my goal in 6 months. Why I don't suddenly have my dream job, dream house, dream life. Why Prince Charming didn't show up and sweep me off my feet.

I have calmly explained to the Inner Brat that I am not the exception to the rule, and that my issues are still my issues, I just get to deal with them in a smaller body. I'm sure I'll be fine but for now I feel a weird grief for it.

In other news, did I mention the righteous cough syrup they gave me? Well, I'm going to throw back a shot of that action and go to bed now. Good night.


MoSup said...

Oh, Lesley, I'm sorry you're sick again. :( It seems like every little bug turns into something antibiotic worthy for you. I am familiar with the magic cough syrup from my entire year of mono. Enjoy it!

And, by the way, I believe all those good things are coming your way eventually!

Lesley said...

I don't think that's true. I don't have good sinuses, but I haven't been on antibiotics in quite some time. Overall, I am quite healthy.