Sunday, November 08, 2009

sometimes i give myself the creeps...

Oh me. I'm feeling all out-of-sorts tonight, people. I have no idea why, but it hit me yesterday sometime between noon and 4:00 pm and it's still with me. I was at a support group meeting (I am one of the volunteer leaders, and for part of the time I was there led a group for people who are 0 to 3 months out from surgery) and for whatever reason, I left there feeling like my cup was empty.

I am feeling bad about how far I still have to go to get to my weight-loss goal. I don't feel comforted at all thinking of how far I've come, instead I feel awful and ashamed and just so mad at myself that I started out where I did. I hate that I go to support groups and hear people say things like "I was just so HUGE!" knowing full well that the "huge" they are referring to is around the same weight that I am right now, and I hate that I hear that and immediately think "Good God, what do they think I am?" For added fun, this weekend someone actually asked "How did you ever get to be that weight?" It seems clear that my surgery center is specializing in lightweights (and I have written about the heavyweight vs. lightweight issue before) and I am in the minority, and sometimes it's a very lonely minority to be in.

Now, lest you worry, I am not feeling discouraged. I'm not contemplating quitting the gym and reintroducing carbs back into my diet. Nothing like that. I'll keep going, and I'm sure that soon (tomorrow?) I'll be feeling good about things again. I guess this journey (ugh, hate that word) ain't all sunshine and roses, and tonight I felt like sharing that. Just keeping it real and all. Good night.

3 comments:

Not as bad a Freak Magnet as Norman said...

I know this probably won't help, but I always think, "It is what it is. It happened, there's nothing I can do to change it except move forward." Which you are doing. It's a long hard road and while you may have been that weight ONCE, you're moving forward from it. Take down that rearview mirror girlfriend. You not only look fabulous, you ARE fabulous!

knittinpreacher said...

I haven't told you in a while, but YOU ARE FREAKIN AWESOME. And, when I was walkign tonight, the last hill kicking my butt, I thought about how many times I see you Zumba, and get inspired. Go hug your kitteh. :)

Lesley said...

@freak - Aw, thank you! You're right, no sense looking in the rearview mirror now.

@knittinpreacher - Thank you, that is so nice of you to say. You've inspired me to find a 5k this month too. I had some quality time with the kitteh tonight, and that helped my mood too.