I have about 5 minutes to write this, so let's see what I come up with.
In the belief that the world would be a much happier place if we all were more open with what we're struggling with, I'll tell you what I'm struggling with: CARBS. This is the hard part of making some healthful changes in one's life -- keeping those changes as habits, even when it's hard, even when you're stressed, and even when it's the holidays. My first year after surgery, I didn't even think about any of the ubiquitous holiday treats around. I was far too concerned with getting my 80 - 100 grams of protein, taking all my vitamins, and trying to get some exercise. Last year, the carb clouds were certainly making their way into my mental sky. This year? They're everywhere. And I am tired.
I've always shied away from terms like "food addict" or "carb addict" because I really don't know if it can be called a physiological addiction like, say, alcohol or cocaine. I can tell you for sure that I do believe that white sugar (and perhaps even white flour) have some sort of narcotizing effect, and certainly one that I used to soothe myself for a long time. In my case, I don't think that was the only factor, as I also firmly believe I was self-medicating my insulin resistance and resulting constant state of hypoglycemia. So in some ways, I can say "yeah, sugar is my cocaine" but also in others I can see how I was using it to try to right an endocrine problem, one that could re-emerge if I start pushing limits and letting the sugar monster back in.
So why am I tired? I'm tired of the aforementioned ubiquitous holiday treats. I'm tired of people constantly asking me if I want to partake of them, and then taking it personally when I don't, as if I'm rejecting them rather than merely saying no to the prospect of sending 30 grams or more (well above the limit I am comfortable with) of white sugar coursing through my veins. I'm also tired of hearing about things like detailed descriptions of cookies, chocolate, cakes, etc. And I'm tired of the little voice that says "Oh come on, just once won't kill you! Go ahead!" While it may not kill me, I'm terrified of what it could lead to: one cookie would be too many, and one hundred cookies would be too few.
I don't have any brilliant conclusions just yet. Again, I'm putting this out here because it's on my mind (my blog, my rules, bitches!). Today I'm trying to change my focus and instead think about the fun aspects of the holiday season (good times with friends and the LesleyFamily, etc), and also to think about all the super cool fun things I can do now (Zumba, anyone?) that I couldn't do before and other things I now enjoy as a result of the changes I've made in my life. I certainly love myself enough to work to make sure I can continue to enjoy those things, and I certainly love myself more than any freaking cookie.
Word.
