Saturday, February 19, 2011

i read the news today, oh boy

I have a question for you, my dear readers, in particular those of you who've ever endured being laid off, as I was.

First, let me explain: every time I hear the name of my former employer, a near-Pavlovian response compels me to mutter "those fuckers." I've thought about trying to rein it in, but like I said, I believe it may be a Pavlovian response. So if you ring a bell I'll salivate, but mention Startup-dot-org and I'll mutter "those fuckers." The latest example was just this morning when I received an explanation of benefits in the mail from my dental insurance. On the EOB there was the usual dental insurance jazz with "policy number 02134-yadda-yadda" and then "group name: Startup." As I read that out of my mouth came "those fuckers."

So, dear readers, my question is this: does this ever go away? 

I feel like every week I peel away another layer in the onion that is my grief right now. And this week I am feeling quite aware that I was worked half to death last year and as soon as my 2010 projects were done, I was terminated.  How is that supposed to make me feel? Used? Useless? Some combination thereof? Mostly, it makes me both very sad and very angry.

Those fuckers.

4 comments:

Hooli said...

It took me a while to even speak of my internship congregation, and I still refer to the bastard supervisor as Voldemort. 8 years later. YMMV (hopefully).

knittinpreacher said...

It makes you feel like it makes you feel -- there is no "supposed to" here. Anger seems to be a pretty natural response to being worked half to death until they were done with you and then being told you were not needed anymore. They turned you life upside for no real reason. Of you had been a slacker who showed up to work drunk every day or left at noon instead of 5 or stole or any number of things that are real reasons to fire people, it would be different. Grief is grief. Everyone processes it differently and moves through it differently. But, you seem to be grieving in a healthy way (at least what I see here), so have at it. When you start burning down the building or kidnapping your former boss, then we may have to have a different conversation....

Colorado Vocal said...

Been there, was laid off after 8 years at a place. Had to process it like you and honestly, I didn't hold anything in. I had some very close friends where I worked and one of them was the head guy - I was completely honest with him and at one point told him to go to hell. But 4 years later we are still friends, despite some bumps along the way. The emotions you feel are so intense and up and down, it's pretty normal. I know they kept saying "it's not personal" but it sure as hell felt personal, even today - I think it's just normal to feel that and to feel betrayed. Just last month i visited my old office for the first time since the layoff and was surprised with how emotional I got - I had to leave quickly. All those feelings you have, just let them come out - get angry, get sad, scream, etc. 6 months from now you'll be so much better off. And while the feelings diminish with time, it will always be painful, no getting around it. But you'll be in a much better place and able to move on. Just takes time.

Jenn from WA said...

OMG...It's been almost a year since I was "let go" and I still utter those words. But back when I was laid off in 2001 when I was laid off by another company, I did mutter those words, but here we are 10 years later and I don't even barely remember the name of the company. = )