the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters but no pearls

So as the year is ending, I've been doing the usual year-end review that I like to do. Those of you who have been following my blog for a while probably know that 2011 has been no fucking picnic for me. It's been a year with a lot of losses, that's for sure, but I can't help but think that it's all leading to something greater and better which will make me happier than I could have imagined. This deep-down knowledge that regardless of any present crappy circumstances I *will* come out on top has gotten me through some very dark moments.

And I do have my dark moments. One thing I've realized is that I have a very hard time moving on when things feel unresolved to me. Unresolved as in I haven't had my say and ending things wasn't my idea to begin with. It makes me crazy and leaves me grasping for just something familiar and worse, feeling stuck and unable to move on. This is true in several avenues but the easiest one to talk about here is my job. Eliminating my department and my job certainly wasn't my idea, nor was the resulting almost year of unemployment, thankyouverymuch. And when it first happened I found myself contacting former coworkers to ask how specific projects (MY projects!) were going, just wanting to hear about how the work I had started was progressing, hear familiar voices, feel like I was still part of something. I even hoped that they'd realize they missed me and needed me and then ask me to come back. It took some time (but thankfully, not much time) to realize that outside of work none of those people really cared about me and there was no reason to even try to stay in touch. "We'll meet for lunch/drinks, I'll give you a call" is meaningless from many people. I do have a few friendships that I'll continue to hold onto (i.e., if you're cool enough to read this blog and/or be my Facebook friend) but the people that I last worked with? Yeah, not them. I realize now I also spent way too much time feeling stuck and unable to move on. Because everything felt unresolved, I tried to resolve it in my head, and most of the reasons I came up with were that I was clearly a Very Bad Person who does not deserve Good Things.

Yeah, like I said, there are other avenues in my life in which this has been an issue, but this is the only one I'm comfortable blogging about.

So I feel like I've spent 2011 gradually working toward letting go, and realizing that there are just some things that are never going to feel resolved to my satisfaction. And that's okay. I've also been realizing that some things just suck because they suck, and it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm a bad person. And certainly not a Very Bad Person.

But it's a lot to think about. It makes me want to ring in the New Year all alone and start 2012 feeling well-rested and independent. We shall see.

More blogging tomorrow. I have a fabulous 2012 to plan so I'd better get to planning it.